Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

The Paradox Point of Work Load

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I usu­ally have lit­tle trou­ble moti­vat­ing myself to get my free­lance work done.  My gen­eral anx­i­ety about mak­ing a liv­ing is usu­ally very good about keep­ing me mov­ing for­ward, fin­ish­ing things, build­ing stuff out.  However, some­times I take on a lot of work simul­ta­ne­ously, and quite sud­denly I real­ize that I have a lot more than I expected to.  And I get hit with a pecu­liar kind of paralysis.

Rather than this pile of work moti­vat­ing me fur­ther, to work harder, my nat­ural instinct appears to be to hide from it and hope that it will go away on its own.  Logically, I know that the only way to eat an ele­phant is one bite at a time.  But so biz­zarely, it becomes much harder to move for­ward when there’s so much to do.

The ele­phant apho­rism is apt here, because I find the best way to get over this is to tem­porar­ily pre­tend the work­load is smaller, and trick my brain into this by parcel­ing my work blocks smaller.  Typically, I will start a task in the morn­ing and work until lunch with­out inter­rup­tion.  When I’m hav­ing a hard time mov­ing for­ward, I break my time down into half-​​hour incre­ments.  Within a cou­ple of hours, I’m in the flow and the anx­i­ety lessens.

I don’t know if this prob­lem is unique to me or some­thing oth­ers expe­ri­ence, but I thought I would share my approach to it.  If you have the same issue, share your solu­tion in the comments.

Should I put up my toys?

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Last Thursday night, as I took cover behind a fake stone wall and waited for my vest to come back online, I had an unex­pected moment of self-​​reflection.  Lost in thought, I didn’t notice a Blue team mem­ber come across the cor­ner and shoot me dead with their laser gun.  “Take cover,” the vest com­manded in a tinny voice barely audi­ble over the loud music, explo­sion sound effects, and screech­ing light guns and plas­tic vests.  So I did, but my mind was no longer in the game.

The over­rid­ing thought was some­thing along the lines of, “I’m 33 years old and I’m play­ing Laser Tag with a bunch of other sup­posed adults.  Should I be spend­ing my time on this?”

I’ve always resisted the notion that as an adult I need to give up on things like video games, role­play­ing games, sci­ence fic­tion, and so on.  There’s a sub­tle soci­etal pres­sure to do this, to get a real job, have kids, be respon­si­ble.   And granted, this was a friend’s birth­day party, and I was happy to be there help­ing him cel­e­brate in the way he wanted.

But I had this sud­den fear that oth­ers would per­ceive me, a 33 year old mar­ried guy play­ing shoot ‘em up, as pathetic.  Worse, for just a moment, I saw myself as pathetic, as wor­thy of pity.  My train of thought wan­dered to what I would do with my life if I had finan­cial inde­pen­dence, and I didn’t think that play­ing Laser Tag at 7:30 PM on a Thursday night would prob­a­bly rank high on the list, if I could do any­thing I wanted.  I’d be explor­ing the rain for­est in Central America or Roman ruins in Italy.  Watching the sun set over the Indian Ocean on the East African coast.

But I am not wealthy and I can’t do any­thing I want.  And I like my friends, and I have fun play­ing Laser Tag.  Sure, we might seem pathetic and weird to the par­ents pick­ing up their teenagers, but why do I care how they per­ceive me?

Sometimes I think life was a lot eas­ier when I was com­pletely lack­ing in self-​​awareness.  It was eas­ier to write, eas­ier to make friends, and eas­ier to have fun.  Why do I have to go and com­pli­cate my exis­tence by think­ing so damn much?

Today, I noticed a very, very gray hair on my tem­ple.  And I turned back to that ques­tion;  am I get­ting too old for all these toys and games?

Will I be a 90 year old D&D player?  Will my friends still have their col­lec­tions of super­hero action fig­ures lin­ing the walls when their grand­kids come to visit?  Do I want to be a 90 year old D&D player?

I don’t regret hav­ing done these things, but I worry that mov­ing for­ward, time spent on these instead of other things will be time I regret spend­ing.  It’s always good to be with friends, isn’t it?

I don’t know the answer to any of these ques­tions yet.  They’re mak­ing me deeply uncom­fort­able for the time being.  I have a deeply engrained sus­pi­cion of “grow­ing up.”  And maybe that says more about me than just about any­thing else.  About my gen­er­a­tion, even.

A Busy Week…

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I’ve been work­ing on a rapid turn­around project, so I haven’t had time for much of any­thing else this week.   I always feel guilty when I end up spend­ing the major­ity of my time work­ing for money and resting—it feels like I’m doing the bare min­i­mum with my life.  One should be able to make money to pay the bills, rest, and also accom­plish at least one thing on the side, ide­ally, right?  Ordinarily, with a light work­load, that’s no prob­lem.  But when my work­load is full, every­thing else falls by the wayside. 

It’s as much about learn­ing to man­age my energy and enthu­si­asm as it is any­thing else.  I want a switch on the back of my head to acti­vate my enthu­si­asm cen­ter at will…

In Search of My Optimism for the Future

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Michael Brotherton and I had a bit of a con­ver­sa­tion on the phone the other day—I don’t remem­ber the exact sub­ject, but we talked a bit about opti­mism for the eco­nomic and cli­matic future.  I expressed the usual dour pes­simism (“Paolo Bacigalupi is too upbeat for you,” I seem to recall him say­ing.)  Mike has an inter­est­ing post up recently about this whole issue of opti­mism as it relates to writ­ing sci­ence fic­tion and dystopias in par­tic­u­lar.

Mike calls bull­shit on Paolo’s state­ment that teenagers pre­fer dystopias because they sense the lie in opti­mism and “…our chil­dren will inherit a world sig­nif­i­cantly depleted and dam­aged in com­par­i­son to the one our par­ents handed down to us. And they know it…”  He makes some state­ments which I don’t find entirely con­vinc­ing regard­ing his own life—just because your life has improved doesn’t mean every­one has, nec­es­sar­ily.  The lives of my fam­ily have declined con­sid­er­ably in the last decade due to the econ­omy in par­tic­u­lar, and I think there are a few peo­ple out there whose lives are start­ing to see seri­ous effects from global warm­ing.  I can under­stand why some look at the future and they feel like we’re on a roller coaster about to make the big drop.  But then there’s a fas­ci­nat­ing link to a video in his com­ments that paints a very opti­mistic pic­ture about the qual­ity of life glob­ally over time.   So maybe ulti­mately things are con­sis­tently get­ting bet­ter for peo­ple, when taken as a whole (even if it does seem to suck pretty badly to be in Africa).

Personally, I think dystopias are pop­u­lar with teens because they fit that world view that EVERYTHING SUCKS that seems to come with the brain chem­istry of puberty.  And today, with all the news about dire eco­nomic and envi­ron­men­tal pre­dic­tions, maybe they buy into it even more heav­ily.   But I think teens just have a nat­ural pes­simism that comes along with being squeezed out of child­hood and into adult­hood, pos­si­bly not very will­ingly.  I know becom­ing a teenager pissed me off any­way.  I spent 4 years angry or depressed all the time for no good reason.

But to the mat­ter of adult opti­mism for our real futures…

The rea­son I have a hard time being opti­mistic about the envi­ron­ment in par­tic­u­lar is that I’ve watched our planet lose habi­tat after habi­tat and species after species for 20 years.  The Amazon will likely be a fairy tale today’s con­ser­va­tion biol­o­gists tell their grand kids.   Habitat destruc­tion in search of resources so our species can grow and build and extend is some­thing I can’t be opti­mistic about.  There’s lit­tle evi­dence to me that this trend will reverse any time soon, if ever.  Until devel­op­ing nations climb up out of poverty entirely, they’re going to slash and burn their resources to do it.   The planet becomes poorer for it in terms of bio­di­ver­sity which is some­thing I can’t explain the value of in the same way I can explain the value of a bar­rel of oil or hard­wood lum­ber.    So I won’t go into it here.  Another post, perhaps. 

Ultimately, it all comes down to the finite­ness of resources in my mind. Constant growth as demanded by cap­i­tal­ism is a phys­i­cal impos­si­bil­ity, as far as I can tell.  The world will run out of any num­ber of resources. Shit, helium may run out any day now.  Any num­ber of pre­cious met­als are becom­ing dif­fi­cult to find, met­als cru­cial in the man­u­fac­tur­ing of high tech devices.  Why is now any less likely than some time in the dis­tant future for resource deple­tion?   We hear news about peak oil, how we may have even already passed peak oil and begun our decline. 

And if you’re a mem­ber of the mid­dle or lower mid­dle class in the United States?  You have lit­tle to be opti­mistic about eco­nom­i­cally.  I defy any­one to give me evi­dence that my gen­er­a­tion will enjoy the same level of com­fort and sta­bil­ity that our par­ents did (or grand­par­ents in the case of my young par­ents who are hit very hard by this econ­omy as well).  Employer sta­bil­ity, this notion that you would have one excel­lent job for 35 years and then retire com­fort­ably?  Not for us.   Look at unem­ploy­ment rates among gen Y as well.    There’s an entire gen­er­a­tion grow­ing up to reach for the American dream only to find it miss­ing.  Can you fault them for won­der­ing if it were ever really there?

And yet, times have never been bet­ter for the megarich!  I sup­pose for them, the future has never looked brighter.  You’ll excuse me if I don’t share their opti­mism.  I wasn’t born with a plat­inum spoon in my mouth.

Our entire polit­i­cal sys­tem seems rigged in favor of the wealthy and their cor­po­ra­tions.  Do you think I as a small busi­ness can get away with pay­ing no or min­i­mal taxes like many mega­cor­po­ra­tions?  Of course not.   Did the wealthy really need a tax cut that increased our deficit by some­thing like 25%?  Of course they didn’t;  but they got it any­way.    And it just makes the future for us lower in the eco­nomic strata look even bleaker.  Our wages go down or stag­nate in real terms, and their net wealth con­tin­ues to sky­rocket into the stratos­phere.   I loathe the Tea Party and what they stand for, but I know where those peo­ple are com­ing from.  They see a world that increas­ingly is leav­ing them behind.  For both good and bad reasons.

For a good chunk of the peo­ple I know back home, their only hope of not strug­gling their entire lives for just enough income to get by is to win the lot­tery.   Or go on a game show run by the mega-​​rich which taunts them with the pos­si­bil­ity of win­ning money and then records their anguish when they lose it, and then they sell that fuck­ing anguish to you and I on net­work televisions. 

Seriously, is there any­thing more fuck­ing evil on tele­vi­sion today than shows like “Money Drop”?

Hell, I used to believe in the power of sci­ence to make the world bet­ter.  And I’ve spent my entire life watch­ing peo­ple in power reduce the public’s opin­ion of sci­ence to the point where more peo­ple in the U.S. ques­tion evo­lu­tion than believe in it, which to me is basi­cally on par with dis­be­liev­ing grav­ity.  The wealthy have attacked the public’s faith in sci­ence because it would have cost them money for us to believe that the planet’s cli­mate is being changed by their indus­tries.  An entire polit­i­cal arm of this coun­try dis­trusts the notion of experts.  The only sci­ence they care about is that which allows them to wring more money from the world.

And don’t fuck­ing get me started on the trav­esty that is our health care sys­tem in the U.S..  We are ALL one seri­ous ill­ness away from com­plete finan­cial oblit­er­a­tion.  Anyone who doesn’t believe that is a deluded fool or wealthy enough that noth­ing I have said here applies to them anyway.

Where’s my opti­mism?  Where’s my abil­ity to write sci­ence fic­tion like “The Kansas Jayhawk vs. The Midwest Monster Squad?”  Where did I leave it?  And would it be delu­sional of me to even try and adopt it again?  That’s the thing, isn’t it? If you’re a pes­simist and your pes­simism doesn’t come true, you get to be happy along with the opti­mists.  But if you’re an opti­mist whose pre­dic­tions prove false, then there’s lit­tle to be happy about.  The pes­simist at least gets the grim sat­is­fac­tion of being right. Even if they’re no hap­pier about the out­come than the optimist. 

Now, by being a pes­simist, did they some­how help ensure that the opti­mistic vision would never come true? Possibly.  But as far as pre­serv­ing one’s own sense of ego, the pes­simistic belief sys­tem is a bet­ter bet.   At least I can rec­og­nize that in addi­tion to every­thing else.

I feel like Mulder on this sub­ject.  I want to believe that the world will only get bet­ter.  But some part of my intel­lect rebels at the notion.   Maybe when I’m not send­ing money back to Kansas to help my fam­ily out reg­u­larly, maybe then I will start to believe that things can improve.  But right now, I feel like we’ve begun an unprece­dented decline, and I’m not sure for my fam­ily this decline will reverse.   And maybe we were spoiled in the first place, and it shouldn’t mat­ter so much? People in Africa are starv­ing, right? 

Yes, most every­thing I say here is self-​​interested.  No need to point that out.  Life may be improv­ing leaps and bounds for the Chinese, but when it comes down to it, I don’t really care except in a very gen­eral sense. And if their life’s improve­ments have to come at the cost of our qual­ity of life, all that’s going to do is make folks even more angry and dis­il­lu­sioned with the future

I’m going to keep  look­ing for my opti­mism.  Things like that video give me a broader per­spec­tive and make me feel bet­ter about where we’ve come from.  It’s hard to see the bat­tle­field when you’re in the trenches.  Maybe we really are win­ning the war.  I’ll be as happy as any opti­mistic soul if it turns out to be the case.

Maybe even happier.

Cognitive Enhancement

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I’ve reached the point where I real­ize I’m not going to get appre­cia­bly smarter with­out out­side inter­ven­tion.  Drugs might work a bit, but I think for true super­hu­man brain pow­ers, I’m going to need to inter­face my brain with a coprocessor. 

And I started to won­der how that will feel.  Will it be seam­less? Or will it be like the voice of a per­sonal assis­tant in your head point­ing things out.   How would chil­dren turn out if they had a weak AI com­pan­ion in their head aid­ing them in their think­ing as they grow up?  What if some­one decided all they needed for com­pany was their own co-​​processor?

The stuff writ­ers think about in the shower, I guess.

Project001: Year of the Rabbit (Photoshop)

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year-of-the-rabbit

Sticking to my cre­ative goals, I am exper­i­ment­ing and play­ing 3 times a week to stretch myself as a cre­ative.  Here, I broke out my grunge brushes, which I just love, but I cre­ated a brush from my own pho­to­graph for the rab­bit.  If any­one would be inter­ested in the brush, I would be happy to upload it—just ask.

Earlier ver­sions had “YEAR OF THE RABBIT” text on it as well, but near the end I decided to dump it.  They say that a piece is done when there’s noth­ing left to take away, and that was cer­tainly some­thing I expe­ri­enced as I ham­mered out the final version.

Blog Hiatus Until Monday

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Reverb10 has turned into some­thing I’m not much inter­ested in car­ry­ing for­ward, so I’m just going to sign off of the blog until next Monday and 2011.  By then, I should have my act back together and should return to the good blog­ging instead of this half-​​assed stuff I’ve been doing while vis­it­ing family.

Ordinary Joy

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Ordinary Joy Our most pro­found joy is often expe­ri­enced dur­ing ordi­nary moments. What was one of your most joy­ful ordi­nary moments this year?

More Reverb10 today.  I had fun with these orig­i­nally, as I could take them seri­ously, and then I started hav­ing fun with them because I couldn’t take them very seri­ously at all, and finally, I am still not able to take them very seri­ously but I am hav­ing a hard time fig­ur­ing out ways to have fun with them.

Ordinary joy is the kind of thing we take for granted, yes, and is prob­a­bly due a bit of med­i­ta­tion, but because of that, remem­ber­ing par­tic­u­lar instances of it becomes dif­fi­cult.  Life is full of lit­tle joy­ful moments, and thank­fully so.  It’s also full of a thou­sand pains and mis­eries which are equally dif­fi­cult to recall once they’ve past. 

Memory for me is a strange thing.  It’s like a squirm­ing beast within my head of which I have lit­tle con­trol.  Big things, their rough out­lines at least, remain vis­i­ble and recallable.  But lit­tle things only come back to me acci­den­tally, tan­gen­tially.  I’ll smell some­thing and be trans­ported wholly back to a day in my child­hood when I was smelling some­thing sim­i­lar.  Voluntarily recall­ing that day would be impos­si­ble.  My mem­ory has a mind of its own, sometimes.

I can­not tell you what I had for break­fast a week ago today (although I could guess, given that my break­fasts are not exactly var­ied), and I can­not tell you what lit­tle ordi­nary joys I had in the past year.  All I can say is, yes, I had them, and I cer­tainly enjoyed them, and I will enjoy the ones to come.  But they are ordi­nary and not really deserv­ing of any kind of pedestal.  The pedestals are reserved for mem­o­ries that deserve it.  And there’s not much I could change about that even if I wanted to.

Everything’s OK

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Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that every­thing is going to be alright? And how will you incor­po­rate that dis­cov­ery into the year ahead?

The moment I got my sav­ings account over my thresh­old of worry, and real­ized what that thresh­old was.  That’s when I real­ized this busi­ness could sup­port us.  Moving ahead, I will always be try­ing to grow that buffer of money against worry.