Archive for the ‘personal’ Category

My Life as of Late

Posted on:

I’m not spend­ing nearly as much time in the blo­gos­phere lately.  Clearly, bore­dom at old jobs was the pri­mary moti­va­tor there.  I still like read­ing all your blogs and LJs, but with a job that takes 8–12 hours of my day, with­out breaks in vol­ume, my energy for spend­ing time read­ing web­sites is low. My energy in gen­eral is low.

My activ­i­ties out­side of my day job have been win­nowed down to a few things.  I watch TV.  I will never ever crit­i­cize any­one for watch­ing TV over other forms of enter­tain­ment.  When you are men­tally drained, it’s sooth­ing, and helps you unwind.  The qual­ity isn’t that bad these days.  And it’s eas­ier for my wife and I to have a shared expe­ri­ence via a TV show or a movie than it is via a book.  Part of the rea­son I think fic­tion fan­dom is so frac­tured com­pared to the old days is that there are too many choices and we hardly never read the same things.  So lit­tle over­lap in inter­ests anymore.

I’ve found my inter­est in SFF short fic­tion wan­ing quite a bit since tak­ing on the new job.  Roundbottom oddly enough is the only project that inter­ests me.  I haven’t missed actu­ally writ­ing as much as I thought I might.  I guess that’s because I’m writ­ing as much as I ever did, just in one big con­sol­i­dated storyline/​lump.  One post a week is about all I’m good for, see above rea­sons.  I’m not even read­ing since get­ting back from our trip.  Shame, because I was finally start­ing to get into Sam Henderson’s novel.  Maybe I can this week­end.  I need to force myself to take computer/​TV breaks just for the sake of my eyes.

I also think I under­stand now why peo­ple take up drugs like meth.  The idea of get­ting my energy back after a gru­el­ing day fix­ing bugs is tempt­ing.  Meth itself isn’t.  Hell, I don’t even drink caf­feine and have not for over a year now (it messed with my anx­i­ety dis­or­der).  But if I could find a safe, non-​​panic attack induc­ing  method of restor­ing some men­tal energy after a long day, I would do it.  I’m still aim­ing to try Yoga.  I just haven’t had time to enroll in the gym.  I think we’re plan­ning to do that this com­ing weekend.

I feel behind on every­thing and out of touch.  But finan­cially, things have never been bet­ter.  So I can’t com­plain too much.  It’s funny, because I was afraid other peo­ple would stop talk­ing to me because I was tak­ing a break from writ­ing. The real­ity has been the other way around.

The other thing I’ve had energy for is play­ing com­puter games.  For a while, it was Spore, until I got tired of being invaded by unstop­ple alien forces.  I really enjoyed mak­ing things in the cre­ator though.  Now I’m into some Warhammer Online.  I think it’s an iter­a­tive improve­ment on the World of Warcraft model of MMORPGs.  I don’t get too bored run­ning around like I did in WoW.  I like the art and the twisted sense of humor.  I’m play­ing some­thing called a squig herder, a gob­lin class.  I make this lit­tle mon­ster run around and attack things.  It’s the hunter class, basi­cally.    But can the hunter class even­tu­ally jump inside its pet and ride around in its mouth? I guess that ‘s entirely pos­si­ble. I  haven’t played WoW in 3 years. But I doubt it.  I spend a ridicu­lous amount of time in game grow­ing seeds into alchem­i­cal ingre­di­ents. It’s get­ting to the point where I can’t pick up proper loot because I am car­ry­ing so much of that crap around.

We’re still debat­ing about where we want to go next year.  Kansas or Oregon?  Family?  or Friends?  A house? Or apart­ments and rentals.  I think the whole debate is tabled until closer to the date when we know bet­ter what our finances will be and what the state of the var­i­ous economies are.  I’m mak­ing bet­ter money, but Sarah still mostly needs to have a job.

In the mean­while, I’m going to use my time as best I can.  That weird sense of urgency I’ve had for the last sev­eral years has really faded.  Maybe I’ve given up writ­ing for the short story mar­kets for good. Maybe my future really is just in web archi­tec­ture.   I can live with that I guess, so long as the rest of my life is inter­est­ing.  Good friends and con­ver­sa­tion.  Fun is fun, what­ever the form.  Writing stopped being much fun, so it was a good deci­sion to make.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there is a squig that needs herded.

On Giving Up on Fiction Writing

Posted on:

I’ve been talk­ing about this in pri­vate for a while now, but I’ve decided to talk about it pub­li­cally.  There’s a lot of infor­ma­tion out there about how to start writ­ing, but there’s not a lot writ­ten about how to stop.  Sorry if you’ve heard some of this before.

I’ve been strug­gling with writ­ing since my father’s death a few years ago.  His death was fol­lowed by his brother, then his mother, then both of my mother’s par­ents within a year.  Around the same time, my lit­tle sister’s health prob­lems became sig­nif­i­cant enough that she needed a kid­ney trans­plant.  Our fam­ily was put through the wringer, and I did not come out of it okay.

Early last year, my occa­sional panic attack prob­lem turned into a daily panic attack prob­lem.  Eating any­thing made me feel sick, and feel­ing sick felt like dying, and then I really lost it.  I tried to get help via my med­ical doc­tor, but they were afraid to pre­scribe a high enough dose of any­thing to help me.  I finally gave up and went to a psy­chi­a­trist who quadru­pled the med­ica­tion and finally started get­ting my attacks under con­trol.  The panic attacks had gone on for so long that I had lost over 50 pounds.  After get­ting med­ica­tion work­ing to con­trol the attacks,  I con­tin­ued to lose weight.  Recently, to my dis­may I’ve started to regain some, but that’s a topic for another post.

So it wasn’t until last year that men­tally I was start­ing to come back together.  Prior to my father’s ill­ness, I was pretty solid. I was enthu­si­as­tic and I was very pro­duc­tive as a writer.  I hated Laramie, but liv­ing there moti­vated me some­how to write 1–3 short sto­ries a week.  It was a won­der­ful out­let, and I learned a lot in my time there and started mak­ing my first few big sales.

So come the bad times of the last few years, my pro­duc­tion ground to a halt.  I had been work­ing on a novel loosely based on my father’s child­hood in Kansas in the 70s called Prince Starling when he called to tell me he had can­cer.  I think the coin­ci­dence here dam­aged me in some fun­da­men­tal way inside regard­ing writ­ing.  It broke some con­nec­tion I had to my cre­ative spirit.  The mon­key deep inside some­how decided, ridicu­lously, that by hav­ing used my father’s sto­ries that way, it was some how respon­si­ble for his illness.

I wrote some while he strug­gled with it.  I really didn’t believe he was dying until he was in hos­pice, because he did such a good job of pre­tend­ing he was going to beat it.  I will always react with sus­pi­cion to claims of recov­ery from can­cer now.  But I believed because I wanted to believe and I had to believe.

Now, in the last six months, I was laid off from a hor­ri­ble job and after a cou­ple of months of ter­ri­fy­ing free­lance scur­ry­ing, I got my best job yet with a new com­pany. I  work from home, I have tremen­dous cre­ative free­dom, and I get to work with cut­ting edge web tech­nolo­gies.   The only down­side is that it’s pretty time con­sum­ing and it leaves me more men­tally drained at the end of the day than I have ever been.

Rather than fight it, I’ve decided to just go with it.  The job is great, but it takes enough from me that I find writ­ing to be far too dif­fi­cult to man­age at this time.  Roundbottom takes up a con­sid­er­able chunk of my free time and I find it mostly very cre­atively ful­fill­ing.   I cer­tainly won’t run that site and project for the rest of my life, but I could get sev­eral years out of it for sure.

I love the idea of writ­ing.  I love writ­ing ideas.  But lately, the strug­gles to keep my life afloat have left me with lit­tle energy to deal with the fight of publishing.

Truth is, I am still pretty emo­tion­ally sen­si­tive.  I was much thicker-​​skinned before all this, but neg­a­tive reviews lit­er­ally send me into stu­pid tears.   Rejections some­times as well.   My one and only Clarkesworld rejec­tion con­firmed my worst fears about my inabil­i­ties and I nearly made the deci­sion there to give up on writ­ing per­ma­nently.    I do not have what it takes to shrug off rejec­tion very well.  Perhaps its because I have deep per­sonal issues iwth the sub­ject of rejec­tion or some­thing.  Either case, I can’t seem to make it not both­er­ing me, so when I’m doing it, it’s a major source of pain for me.

So to recap,  per­sonal issues, strug­gle with time and energy, plus inabil­ity to han­dle rejec­tion (all adding up to what is prob­a­bly a lack of motivation)–these are the rea­sons I have decided to set aside my pur­suit of a side-​​career as a fic­tion writer, at least until I have a bet­ter grip on the basics of a life, a fam­ily, and a job.

I hope those of you who are my writer and edi­tor friends won’t drift away because I’m not writ­ing.  I will be more than happy to read stuff for peo­ple.  I will not be giv­ing up read­ing, and talk­ing about SF.  Just putting any real story words out myself, except for the weekly Roundbottom sched­ule stuff which is not insignificant.

I don’t con­sider this a per­ma­nent retire­ment.  It’s still a pas­sion of mine, and I hope to return to it when I feel like it’s in me, maybe in a cou­ple of years.

The New Sound

Posted on:

I’ve often won­dered when a new genre of music would come along that would shake the foun­da­tions of our soci­ety in the way that rock and roll did in the 1950s.  Where is that new sound that par­ents and elders will demo­nize while the youth move to its rhythms.    Who is my generation’s Elvis?  I will laugh at you if you say Kurt Cobain.  His was a vara­tion, not a true invention.

I don’t know why it came to me today, but I real­ized how much of an idiot I have been ask­ing myself that ques­tion.  What is the new genre, the genre of the late 20th cen­tury, early 21st?  What comes after rock and roll in the pro­gres­sion of pop­u­lar music?  Duh, you idiot, hiphop.

This generation’s Elvis Presley is a com­bi­na­tion of Jay Z, 50 cent, and Eminem.

I’ve been slowly open­ing to the notion of hip hop since leav­ing col­lege.  There, the musi­cian you were most likely to hear echo­ing across the log­gia was Ani DeFranco.  Grinnell was a fairly insu­lar bub­ble when it came to music.  Not a lot of new things pen­e­trated its exte­rior shell, at least while I was there.  It’s not neo­pho­bic by any means, but the stu­dents have more impor­tant things to focus on, and music that makes them think is just one thing too many ask­ing for brain power.  Through Grinnell, I mostly lis­tened to what I loved in high school.  The mp3 rev­o­lu­tion brought me not new things, but old things in a new format.

Then in Wyoming, I had noth­ing but time to think.  I joined Emusic when it was still buf­fet style, and I down­loaded things that I would have never con­sider pay­ing $15 for an album, just to try out and find some­thing that hits my ear dif­fer­ently. I dis­cov­ered all man­ner of music from around the world, but still I failed to appre­ci­ate hiphop.

It took a suc­ces­sion of three artists to open my ears to what was going on.  Kanye West, Pigeon John, and MC Frontalot.   My ini­tial dis­like of hiphop was that all I ever heard about was gang­ster rap. Misogynistic, vio­lent stuff–certainly valid art, but not some­thing with which I con­nected.  Then I began to hear more sub­ur­ban hiphop, even nerd­core.  Music that comes from places not quite so urban.  It took lis­ten­ing to those artists for me to go back and real­ize what I was miss­ing by not lis­ten­ing to Jay Z and others.

I used to think techno was the future, the next rock and roll.

In my teens, when I dis­cov­ered techno music thanks to a after dark radio pro­gram on the local alter­na­tive sta­tion, I thought that the elec­tronic beats would be the sound of the future.  Everything I heard on that radio pro­gram sounded cyber­punk.  I remem­ber one track in par­tic­u­lar that actu­ally sam­pled heav­ily from Blade Runner.  I would lay on my bed after mid­night on a Sunday night with the radio next to my ear and soak in that new sound.  I read sci­ence fic­tion then–nothing so good as what I read now, but enough to have this vision of a future where com­put­ers were impor­tant.  What could sig­nify that more than a genre of music made on the computer?

I still lis­ten to quite a bit of elec­tronic music.  I’m not a fan in the sense that I can actu­ally label all the sub­gen­res.  I like tracks selec­tively.  Some down­beat, some drum and bass, some indus­trial, a lit­tle bit of every­thing really.  Artists like Prodigy, Chemical Brothers, and Fatboy Slim are what I turn to when I want to con­cen­trate on some­thing in an upbeat man­ner.  I find it dif­fi­cult to feel down with those kinds of beats danc­ing around my head.

But I’ve added no small amount of hiphop to the mix. I’m even more igno­rant of the genre than I am of elec­tron­ica.  I don’t have the time I used to have to explore music and to really seek out new sounds any­more.  These days, dis­cov­er­ies are purely accidental.

I used to think that old people’s tastes cal­ci­fied as a process of grow­ing older, and per­haps they do.  Our brains do tend to become less plas­tic over time.  But I’m not so sure that our tastes don’t stag­nate more because we aren’t exposed to any­thing new, or at least weren’t, because we’re so busy work­ing and rais­ing fam­i­lies.  And by the time our chil­dren bring new sounds in, all it does is remind us of how we’ve grown older, and so we instinc­tively reject the sound of youth.

Maybe my gen­er­a­tion will be dif­fer­ent.  I’m sure every­one has said that about their gen­er­a­tion since Socrates, but the inter­net changes things.  Tools like Pandora and Last​.fm appar­ently intro­duce new music to peo­ple quite well–albiet music that is algo­r­thymi­cally related to music they already like.  It’s rare that any­one makes a leap from one from of music to some­thing so com­pletely dif­fer­ent.  Change in taste is a steady pro­gres­sion of bread crumbs through a back cat­a­log of tracks.

Now that I work from home and can lis­ten to loud music with no regard for the health of my ears or the tastes of cubi­cle mates, I really must con­fig­ure last​.fm again and start explor­ing music again–if not actively, then at least pas­sively as I work.   I’m afraid of my brain grow­ing rigid.  I’m afraid of turn­ing becom­ing that cliche of the old man who shouts at teenagers to turn down that racket.   It’s part of being afraid to grow old, and yet it’s some­thing dif­fer­ent.  Afraid of sta­sis, afraid of stag­na­tion.  If I’m not mov­ing for­wards, I might as well be mov­ing backwards.

Gone Training

Posted on:

I’m leav­ing this morn­ing to head back to Connecticut to train for my new job for a week.  I will be com­pletely out of con­tact until Monday night at the ear­li­est, pos­si­bly all week.  I’ll have my phone, so if you know my num­ber and need to reach me in an emer­gency, you still can.  Y’all have fun.

To School, Or Not to School?

Posted on:

I have been think­ing about try­ing to enroll in a graphic design or pho­tog­ra­phy pro­gram here in the Fall.  I don’t know any­thing about what it’s like to go back to school and get a new bach­e­lors when you already have one.  I don’t have any idea how much it would cost, and obvi­ously, I would have to take more loans. I already have $40,000+ in stu­dent loans left from my last one.  So–is it worth it?

Reasons for get­ting a graphic design degree

  • A lot of jobs are requir­ing it that a few years ago did not
  • Would really hone my skillset and give me the ground­ing in fun­da­men­tals I seek
  • Would pos­si­bly let me get through a bad time in the economy
  • Could still take free­lance while doing so, just at a lower volume

Reasons against going back to school:

  • I can barely earn enough to live and pay loans right now as it is.  Will adding another degree really make me that much more employ­able that I can make enough to han­dle the new, larger debt load?
  • I could prob­a­bly find a job some­where with­out one
  • School can be very tedious
  • I already have more real world expe­ri­ence equiv­a­lent than a degree gives

My job search has been fairly unfruit­ful right now.  It’s tough not to be dis­cour­aged and won­der if I need a big change in life.  I was talk­ing with Jay this morn­ing, and he was try­ing to point out that it doesn’t nec­es­sar­ily reflect badly on me.  It’s hard not to feel dis­cour­aged though.  My free­lance busi­ness is going okay, but how long will that last?

I’m adrift on a sea of uncer­tainty today.  I’m wait­ing for a wind to nudge me in the right direc­tion, but maybe I should just pick a direc­tion and start paddling.

I Have Joined the Twitterati

Posted on:

I am now on Twitter as JeremiahTolbert.  Who should I be fol­low­ing?  Who shall fol­low me?  Assimiliate me, Twitter!

Is there a way to sync up Facebook sta­tus posts with Twitter posts?  Surely there is a pro­gram that will man­age both for me.  I remain skep­ti­cal of the use­ful­ness of this appli­ca­tion, but if it alle­vi­ates the soli­tude of work­ing from home a lit­tle, I’m all for it!

An Updated Biography

Posted on:

I have taken some time on this fine after­noon to write new words into my About Me page.  They might be of some amuse­ment value to those of you who know me well, and even those of you who do not.

(Shortest. Post. Ever.)

I am Also On the Market for Writing Gigs

Posted on:

I can string words together in a pleas­ing fashion

I’ve been writ­ing much here about how I am avail­able for free­lance web design, but I wanted to make it known that I am very inter­ested in pick­ing up free­lance writ­ing jobs as well, par­tic­u­larly within my areas of exper­tise.  I would espe­cially like to break into some free­lance blog­ging.  If any­one hears of jobs in this depart­ment, or knows of good resources where I can seek out said work, please drop me a line via email or in the comments.

Week One of the Freelancing (And Job Hunting) Life

This past week has gone very well.  I have now been longer with­out a  job than any time since I was six­teen.  But don’t think I haven’t been work­ing.  I am han­dling a num­ber of design projects at the moment (but I’m always look­ing for more).  About half of this week’s work was direct client work, and half of it was work I am doing as a sub­con­trac­tor for another design firm in the area.  The design firm work is at a lower rate than I charge myself, but I am try­ing to jus­tify that to myself with the acknowl­edg­ment that I have to spend less time get­ting that work.

I have sur­prised myself with inner strength and pro­fes­sion­al­ism that I didn’t know I had.   The expe­ri­ence is teach­ing me to be less afraid of ask­ing for things I want.  Shame melts away when you have the feel­ing that you have noth­ing to lose in doing some­thing.  There is a lot of fear of uncer­tainty in this pur­suit, but there isn’t that dread that comes with wor­ry­ing about your job.  You are your job.  You make your work.  It’s a direct level of con­trol of des­tiny that is refreshing.

I have worked harder in the past week than I have in years.  In a paid posi­tion, a lot of your time is spent doing tasks that are not the actual work.  But you still get paid for those hours just the same.  But as a free­lancer, you only bill for work on the project, so your days are longer.  You still have admin­is­tra­tive tasks that need to be done.  My finan­cial goals will never be set on hav­ing 40 hours a week of bill­able labor.  Because it would mean 65 hour weeks in reality.

The Health Care Issue

A large con­cern  is find­ing a way to get afford­able health insur­ance for myself and my wife.  We’re using COBRA right now (although I still haven’t received the paper­work, so it’s all out of pocket until such time as we can be reim­bursed).  The COBRA is dou­ble the cost of our insur­ance pre­vi­ously.  Sarah’s work plan would cost nearly the same to add both of us, on an infe­rior plan at that.   I’m will­ing to take any advice any­one has on this issue.   If I con­tinue to work as a free­lancer, and do not find a full time posi­tion some­where, then I will increas­ingly need to find a solu­tion to this prob­lem.   Going with­out insur­ance is not an option, given just the cost of our prescriptions.

What’s Next?

Learning to relax.  Learning that the work will still be there when I get back.  That is a les­son that I am going to have to drill into myself.   Finding more work is some­thing I feel con­stantly com­pelled to do right now.

Developing my plans and schemes into coher­ent busi­nesses.  I am draw­ing up plans to develop an actual design com­pany that will be my pub­lic face in the web world.  I am locat­ing other design firms in the area to offer my ser­vices.  I am writ­ing pro­pos­als and pitches for the pub­lish­ing indus­try that could be a big break for me if they go well.  I’m inves­ti­gat­ing the cost ben­e­fits of invest­ing in my own printer for photo prints, and seri­ously launch­ing my pho­to­graphic work for sale.  I think I have a lot of great work in my port­fo­lio now, and I would like to share it with oth­ers.  Getting paid for that would be a bonus.

Things look up right now.  I have a lot of plans, back-​​up plans, and busi­ness ideas.  I would love to have a 28 hour day to work on them, but if I bud­get my time right, I think this could end up being a very pos­i­tive life tran­si­tion.   The best part about it all is, I look for­ward to get­ting out of bed each morn­ing and tack­ling it all.

A Paucity of Connections

Posted on:

I was look­ing over my Facebook list and LinkedIn pro­file today and I have come to the con­clu­sion that not nearly all of my con­tacts have con­nected with me through these services.

If you’re read­ing this blog, please send me a con­nect request through either ser­vice.  I’ll be more than happy to accept them.  I am at a point in my life where I real­ize the value of net­work­ing can­not be under­es­ti­mated.  So, let’s network!

Tomorrow, I do believe I’ll get set up on Twitter.

Travel Day

Posted on:

I am trav­el­ing to Oregon today and will be slow to respond to emails.  Rest assured that I want to hear from you and I will respond as soon as I can.  Until then, have a good one!