Have you heard of whale falls? They’re a really neat natural phenomenon. Whale carcasses, once they sink to the ocean floor, are such a boon of resources that entire ephemeral ecosystems spring up around them. There are species of worms that exist solely to devour whale bones. I wrote loosely about the idea in a short story, “Godfall’s Chemsong.”(more…)
I’m learning so much more about birds lately.
The birds I was most interested in growing up were birds of prey, and that carried into when I took up photography last time. Part of this is that they’re large enough that you don’t need a very long lens to capture them. Thanks to the new camera and lens, I’m able to get much better photos than before. Many of these are cropped to some degree to get a good composition, but still – I’m seeing them much closer than ever before, and so smaller birds are easier to chase.
Because of that, I’ve been looking them up in bird identification guides. Birds with names I recognize, but couldn’t name at sight are suddenly so much more familiar to me now that I’ve had time to photograph them.
Today, I saw house finches, carolina wrens, cedar waxwings, a female downy woodpecker, and a few more things that I didn’t manage to capture quite yet. In particular, blue jays are proving to be real bastards. They make a racket when they see me, scaring off all the other birds, and they don’t like to come out into the open enough for me to get a good shot. I will take great satisfaction from finally capturing a decent photo of a jay.(more…)
I took these photos earlier this week, but I’m only just now getting them posted to the blog. Barred owls are beautiful and this one was very easy to work with.
Bird photography is hard. There’s a bit of a dance to it, at least how I practice it. I understand that most serious bird photographers use blinds and sit in one place, but who has that kind of time? Instead, I combine my photography needs with my exercise needs, and I hike out into wild spaces.
When I see a bird perched in a way that is conducive to a decent enough shot, I begin the slow process of approach. You can’t look right at the bird a lot of times, as they’re sensitive to your line of sight. And if you move too quickly, you read as a predator, and they fly away. If you move right, keep your eyes down, and push forward slowly, you may close distance enough that the crop won’t be too bad. You have to watch the bird during this to make sure they don’t move. And often, they do. And so the bird backs up, you get closer. Bird backs up, you reframe and get closer. It takes me an hour to get a handful of decent shots.
I’m thinking about googling up the location of public bird blinds in my area, honestly.
Merry Christmas and happy birthday to me. I invested in a new camera yesterday, an E-M1 Mark II Olympus. It’s my first time shooting without a mirror, and I have to say, so far I’m pretty impressed, although I really would have liked better light to practice with this morning.
I went out to the Baker Wetlands today because I thought for sure I’d find some good wildlife to chase, and there was a decent amount of activity out there, not that I could see any of it. It was basically working in pre-dawn conditions due to the cloud cover. Still, I managed to snap a couple of shots that I liked, and I’m really in love with this new camera.
A big reason I’ve decided to take pictures again is for my health. I hiked about a mile and a half this morning in pursuit, and it didn’t feel like exercise. I was engaged and in the moment the entire time, only stopping to check my phone for the time once and a while (because no matter what, I have to get into the office and build websites for part of the day).
We’re in the depths of winter here now, as you can see. I’m looking forward to spring already.
I’m trying to ease back into photography. Apparently the way I do that is take a two hour hike into the woods near our house to chase birds.
I feel good for having done it. I’m very much out of practice, and it’s going to take me some time to rediscover my eye for these things, as well as technique. I was fascinated by how much of my operation of the camera itself was muscle memory, though. I hadn’t picked this up seriously in about five years, since moving to Kansas, and surprisingly, my hands still knew how to adjust all the settings as I went without much thinking.
Here are some photos that weren’t too terrible.
This is going to be a very geeky post, not really about writing, but more about web design and WordPress more specifically. Feel free to skip it entirely.
So here we are: WordPress 5.0. I’ve made many testing Gutenberg posts, but this will be my first post in the new WordPress Editor out in live code. The experience is pleasant enough, I suppose. I wish I could say the same about the run up to the release.
The Gutenberg release has been incredibly frustrating to watch, especially because of my reliance on custom fields in the work I develop for clients. Over the past few years, I’ve come to rely on Advanced Custom Fields for that work as a framework underlying my code, and the Gutenberg team appears to have gone ahead and shipped 5.0 with a bug that causes the name of every single registered ACF panel to appear on the Gutenberg screen, despite this being a known issue. They may fix it in a couple of weeks. WordPress 5.0 never should have launched with such a glaring error.
There’s a lot to like about this new editor, but the editor is the heart and soul of WordPress, the piece that nearly every WordPress user touches when they interact with the software. What’s the sense in launching something that breaks in such a fundamental way on possibly millions of websites? And let’s not forget the massive usability concerns for those with accessibility needs. From my standpoint, Gutenberg wasn’t ready. It was rushed, to meet some secret timeline that the rest of us were never given the logic behind. The damage it has done could have been avoided.
It’s shaken my faith in a platform that I have come to rely upon for my very livelihood. Moving forward, I think I will be asking myself more often: “can this be done without WordPress?” Instead of asking: “can it be done with WordPress?” And that’s a shame. Because what the 5.0 release debacle has demonstrated to me is that if my needs and the needs of my clients don’t align with what Automattic and Matt Mullenweg have decided is good for them, then our needs will lose in the contest every single time. WordPress doesn’t seem to be the open source project that I thought it was.
I recently sat down to watch the first episode of Maniac on Netflix. and I was struck by a line in the opening narration that went:
It’s quite terrible to be alone.
In truth, I was only half-paying attention up until that line to the rambling, philosophical notions espoused by the unnamed and unseen narrator in those early moments, but that line made me sit up and take notice because of simply how wrong I found it.
“There is the thought,” I said aloud to nobody because I was alone in the house in a rare moment, “of a person who doesn’t have small children.” The kind of profundity issued by someone who has been able to use a toilet in silence more than once in the past four years. Parenting is a wonderful thing that has enriched my life in many ways, but one thing it takes away from you rather quickly is the option to be alone very often.
In solitude, I think we find ourselves best. You truly get to know yourself with only yourself for company; alone, we wear no masks for the show of others. We do not find ourselves moving along with the crowd while entertaining silent, private doubts. Solitude is a form of nakedness, and I think for some, it’s absolutely essential from time to time.
I find my ability to truly be alone has weakened in this era of social media, however. Thanks to the internet, we can always distract ourselves with socializing in some way. My early mental picture of the internet was a vast library, but anymore, it looks like an enormous coffee shop full of chattering patrons. To be truly alone anymore, I have to discard all my devices and rough it out. It’s uncomfortable at first, but it usually leads to some deep reflection that I need.
Consider me a champion for solitude, at least in moderation (like all things). And hell, I try to give it as a gift to those I love. For Mother’s Day, I give my wife a day of solitude. A day with me and the boy she can have any time! We go on an adventure and let her rest with her thoughts in peace. My wish for you is to find that time for yourself now and then.
I am a scatter-brained type person – I have a tendency to live up in my own head more than some, and more than I should. Being “present” is something that I’ve struggled with for a long time. My wife constantly asks me “where are you?” At least, I assume she constantly asks me that, because I only notice the question about one time in five.
I have been refining a mental technique for getting myself to remain more present in my life. A “life hack” if you will, that reminds me that I need to stay focused and attentive to those around me, because this moment will soon be gone, never to be lived again. With my young child, it’s especially important to me. My son is only four, and I already feel like I’m losing my grasp on some of the wonderful moments of the early days. I look at this little person and sometimes, I miss the baby he was.
So this mental hack probably mostly works for science fiction fans more than ordinary people, but the way it works is, I try and pretend that I’m not living the moment for the first time. Instead, I’m revisiting it from the future.
The explanation varies – sometimes I pretend I’m dead, and in my version of the afterlife, I get to relive and witness my life again. Other times, it’s a bit of a Quantum Leap form of time travel – I’m elderly and hooked up to a machine that lets me re-live the past as a passenger in my own self. Doesn’t really matter. It’s all pretend.
The key is pretending that, no matter how mundane or ordinary the moment is to me now, one day, I may look back on it so fondly that I would wish with all my heart to go back to it. Because even at forty years, I know that the things we remember most and the things we think are important at the time rarely align – or at least personally, I’m more wrong than I am right.
Weirdly, this works for me. It grounds me in the moment by causing me to perceive things more sharply. I fix the moment in my memory better because of this too. It’s all nonsense, but it works. I see the world more sharply when I pretend this, and my busy brain quiets and lets me be there, with my family.
Something that has grown out of this as a coping strategy for stress and anxiety is a realization that, looking back on particularly anxious or troubled times, I somehow managed to muddle through. One of the worst things about anxiety for me is that it tends to make small problems seem enormous. Even when I’m in a moment now where a problem or worry seems insurmountable, the future-traveler me says “you’ve been through this before, you’ve been through similar, and you always made it out okay.” And a lot of times, that thought makes me feel some relief. Some problems seem big close up, but we rarely think about them once they’re receding into the distance in the rear view mirror of time.
That’s not to say that I don’t still need to do the work of addressing the problems I’m tackling now – certainly not. They don’t resolve themselves. But what I can do is spare myself the anguish of it all. I can take my problems seriously and not freak out about them. Sometimes, anyway.
My coping strategies are my own, and they may or may not be useful to others. But I thought that I’d share a couple of them just in case someone else can get some use from what it’s taken me so long to start figuring out.
My name is Jeremiah Tolbert and I’m in the depths of a midlife crisis. Nothing could be more boring and cliched than a privileged white guy feeling out of sorts and uncertain about who he is and who he wants to be, but here we are. At this point, I assume you’re only reading this blog if you have an interest in me as a person, so I feel comfortable being more honest about the state of my life. I turned 40 in 2017, and since then, I have been struggling quite a lot. Especially creatively. I have not successfully written a story in almost two years now, and I’m having to own up to some other project-based creative failures lately that has me taking a deep look at who I am.
The trouble for me really began in my day job as a freelance web developer. After the Trump election, business took a steep decline – number of prospective clients shrunk, and budgets for those projects I did have tended to shrink also. I had been on track to potentially hire my first full time employee, but that was quickly discarded in favor of just surviving. I began to have to put in 10-12 hour days to keep things on track, and that left little time for writing. Where once I had plenty of time for writing and dealing with other creative pursuits, paying the bills soon consumed almost all my waking time.
After about 10 months of this, I began to fall apart mentally and physically. I began to suffer back problems, I gained weight, and I slipped into one of the worst depressions I’ve ever experienced. I sought help pretty quickly and was able to mostly right the ship with a good therapist, but I’ve been left disarmed and stripped of defenses. Business is still a lot more difficult than it was before, and it’s ticking up a bit. I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I’m still very much in a recovery/survival mode there.
These days, I’m still working hard, but I have better boundaries between life and work. I’m not always creatively fulfilled by the work I do (hence why I used to write). However, I’ve lost the bridge to my personal creative work. I’ve spent more hours staring at a blank screen in the past year than all my other years put together. Motivation is an issue, but I’m also, well… blocked (another ridiculous cliche). I’ve tried taking on other creative pursuits, but I’ve failed at them too, disappointing people who were counting on me in the process.
I’ve spent a lot of time daydreaming about other work, feeling that my life would be on a better track if I just gave up on my freelance life and landed work doing some kind of dream gig. I’ve spent time playing around with game design, thinking that maybe that was what I really wanted. To say that I’ve gotten “nowhere” would be an insult to “nowhere.” I don’t feel like I’ve even gotten that far.
The main thing I’ve learned in 2018 is that there is a big difference between the things I think would be really cool to do and the things that I am actually capable of accomplishing. So many things I think I’d love to do, I fail at ever doing for so many reasons (not the least of which being talent and time). It is probably time to learn that I can appreciate a thing without trying to learn how to make/do the thing too. I’ve spent years chasing phantoms when I should have been establishing core competencies.
The hard realization that has set in lately is that I’m not the creative wunderkind I wanted to grow up to be. I really wanted to learn how to do it all, but life is too short and it takes too much time to become competent at more than a handful of items. I’m just a guy who builds websites and sometimes writes decent short stories when life doesn’t get in the way. It’s not even close to the full extent of who I wanted to be, but it’s going to have to do. Maybe that’s what a midlife crisis really is? Coming to terms with the limits your remaining life has. It’s when your dreams and the reality of your life start to overlap in a way that means they can’t really coexist anymore. It’s time to grow up and learn to accept some disappointment in yourself, and to become realistic about who you are and what your creative limits really are. My hope is that going through this crucible of realizations and disappointment will leave me with a stronger bedrock as a person. Probably even more boring and mediocre than before, but hopefully a little happier and more grounded in reality.
I’m just hoping that when this period of crisis is over, I’ll let myself dream again. I miss it already.