I am not attend­ing WorldCon (AKA Anticipation)  this year.  Last year was great, and I met a lot of really inter­est­ing new peo­ple, and got to meet some peo­ple in the flesh for the first time like John Joseph Adams (whose col­lec­tion The Living Dead was nom­i­nated for a World Fantasy Award this week!  Congratulations are in order).   Why am I not going?  Well, there’s the finan­cial rea­sons of course, but there’s also a lit­tle dis­pute I had with the Canadian Border Control back in 1986 involv­ing the ille­gal impor­ta­tion of furry porn.  I’m not allowed to talk about it, but suf­fice to say, I can only travel to Canada under pseu­do­nyms such as Harrison T. Merriweather.  And now I can’t use that one.  Canada’s agents are everywhere.

It’s rather  too easy for the sea­soned con vet­eran to end up in a bit of a rut when it comes to cons.  “Find a seat in the bar and leave only for your pan­els” seems to be the writer/editor/publisher’s way.  I think they some­times actu­ally take in food in a solid form over the course of the con­ven­tion, but I have no evi­dence of this.

I’ve decided, as a ser­vice to the con­ven­tion goer, to pro­vide this help­ful list of activ­i­ties you can  par­tic­i­pate in to make your convention-going expe­ri­ence that much more interesting.

1. In a very pub­lic space, ask Gord Sellar to imi­tate his Quebec-born mother.  (The result­ing mob will give you all the exer­cise you need for the week).
2. Dress up as a polyp and jump out at Jay Lake every time you see him, yelling “Boo!”
3. Squeeze Harlan Ellison’s boob.
4. Walk up to Tempest, and whis­per, in a ner­vous voice.  “I see black people.”
5. Go to a Gordon van Gelder panel and stand up to ask a ques­tion.  Congratulate him on finally break­ing down and accept­ing elec­tronic sub­mis­sions and start a stand­ing ova­tion.  Then flee. (Also, scratch F&SF off your sub­mis­sions list)
6. Treat every­one in cos­play as you would treat their actual char­ac­ter.  Run in ter­ror from stormtroop­ers.  Try to res­cue Slave Girl Leia.  Laugh and point at Klingons.
7. Ask Ted Chiang to tell you about the cover of his col­lec­tion.  (Only do this if you have 4 hours of time you need to kill).
8. Find Cory Doctorow.  Secretly replace his iPod with a Zune.
9. Dress up as the ghost of Robert Heinlein and demand roy­al­ties from John Scalzi all weekend.
10. When they announce the John W. Campbell Award for best new writer, race to the podium, snatch the award, and smug­gle it home to ME.

Anyone else have any ideas to make those lucky folks attend­ing WorldCon have a more “fun” time?

Tagged as: conventions, humor, SF, worldcon